professional hugs

[heatray5d]

I have an ex who used to get mad at me for how I hug people; her issue was that, in her words, I "use my whole body."

I'm not entirely sure what that means. I think that I give good hugs. I'm pretty sure I'm not a creepy hugger. I try to limit the amount of time I embrace someone, and I don't rub my crotch on people, or sneak in a butt touch or anything. Sometimes I might squeeze a little too hard? But I like to think that my hugs are pleasant because when I hug someone I mean it. It's an expression of genuine affection, and not something I just hand out. I'm not a hug whore, but I am generous with my affection. I think everyone who still reads LJ falls into the category of people I hug, when I see them.

Regardless, ever since the end of that relationship, I've been self-conscious about my hugs. Truth be told, that relationship made me self-conscious about a number of things, and all of them are weird, but hugging has to be one of the weirdest.

So just recently I had to inform one of our regular freelancers that we were going to be reducing her hours - possibly to near zero. This is her last week of regular work for us, and she came in today to finalize the transition of her projects onto one of our in-house writers. She's worked for us for three years; she sends us pictures of her baby, and tells us stories about her wife. She's been a part of our life, and we've been a part of hers. Letting her go is a big deal, for her and me.

So when I walked her out today, we hugged. And it was the same hug that I would give to any of you. And now I'm worried that I did it wrong. Is there, like, a professional hug I should be using?

Comments

[sirendipity.livejournal.com]

"YOU GIVE GOOD HUG!"

Sorry, couldn't help myself. I blame John and his 70's/80's radio stations.

To your post, your ex sounds like the paranoid/anxious/jealous type. This is one of those cases where this definitely isn't you. I bet your hug was appreciated. I've been let go more times than I can count and it would have been nice to be close enough to a coworker to get a decent hug while I was holding back the tears..

[pyrric.livejournal.com]

Hugging is one of those things that's worth doing right. I really hate the tepid one-armed bump-and-pat that some people do--it makes me feel like they can barely stand to touch me, and if that's the case, I wish they wouldn't bother. It's worse than the limp handshake.

I don't think there's such a thing as a 'professional hug', because I feel like in general you wouldn't be hugging someone at work unless you already had a more personal relationship with them. For example, I wouldn't hug my boss's boss at all, because I barely know her despite our professional interactions, but when I hug my boss, I hug her like I'd hug you (well, maybe a tiny bit less enthusiastically, but it's a real hug nonetheless), because we're more than just boss and employee to each other. We've been out drinking.

It sounds like you did exactly the right thing with your freelancer, because your interaction with her already included personal things.

Short answer--if you've got the kind of relationship where you can hug someone, give it your all.

You know who else gives amazing hugs? couplingchaos. She hugs like she means it, and I appreciate that.

[cayetana.livejournal.com]

I don't give very good hugs, but I mean them. It's just that stuff gets in the way. And personal histories with human contact can make hugs weird.

This has nothing to do with the topic of professional hugs, I just felt the need to defend my bad hugs and give voice to those of us with hug issues :)

[heatray.livejournal.com]

I think you give wonderful hugs!

[plankton.livejournal.com]

Good call on T! She could teach a seminar on hugging. You also do them justice too and I've honestly always appreciated that.

[couplingchaos.livejournal.com]

Aw, you guys! :D

I like hugging people I like. And yeah, as Pyrric said, why bother if you're not into it.

To Heatray's point, yeah, I never know when it's ok to hug coworkers, but sometimes you go with it anyway, and it's less awkward if you commit. You're not a creepy hugger, and it sounds more like a best-wishes hug than a this-is-my-last-chance-to-feel-you-up hug. If you guys got along, I bet she appreciated it.

[canongrrl.livejournal.com]

you haven't hugged me in ages! which reminds me, I haven't seen you in ages. We must hang out some night soon.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_perihelion_/]

there are “A" shaped hugs and "I" shaped hugs. “A" shaped hugs require that you lean in on the top and out on the bottom. “I" shaped hugs are, obviously, full body hugs. some people are uncomfortable with anything but “A" shaped hugs from anyone that they are not sexually involved with. I find those people rather uptight and stiff but it’s their choice. and, honestly, it is their choice. anyone who prefers to give an “A” shaped hug will always end up sharing an “A” shaped hug. having an “I” shaped hug requires both parties choose “I” shaped. so I think you’re good.

[heatray.livejournal.com]

I've not heard it put that way, but the A-shaped hug is what I always assumed my ex wished I would give to other people. But honestly, that feels so, so awkward - if my interlocutor is the sort of person to whom I'd only give an A-shaped hug, than I'm not going to bother.

Anyway, this woman initiated the hug, so I'm not terribly worried about the fact of the hug. But there are a number of common interactions that you have to tune specifically to manager/subordinate interactions, and physical touching is one of those things. So I find that whenever I physically interact with one of my subordinates I find myself carefully reviewing the interaction after the fact to make sure that it was handled correctly.

[emcicle.livejournal.com]

Though I haven't had one in way too long, I do remember that you give great hugs. The meaning and feeling show through, which is a good thing. Don't fret.

[raglar.livejournal.com]

I've walked the fine line on this one, many a time. I work in a really conservative environment, but am (as you're aware) a very huggy person.

The two conditions (it's not necessary to have both, just either) that I've found lend themselves to fine hugging at work are:

Closeness. I've got a grand total of one co-worker I would feel comfortable hugging randomly, and whom I hug when I run into her on the street, in a store, etc. That's not true of any other co-workers in my neighborhood. She squeezed my shoulder today when she walked by me in the cafeteria, just to say hi. That was awesome.

Punctuation. End-of-school-year hugs. Oh-my-god-it's-been-all-summer hugs. Merry-Christmas hugs. Or, in your case - I'm-sorry-about-this-it's-super-shitty-don't-think-it-means-I-don't-care-about-you-you're-still-a-wonderful-person hugs, to say goodbye.

I think that the circumstances make it a good thing, not even just neutral.

And for the record. Hug me however the fuck you want to.

HOWEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO. I just might demand a cut of any picture sales.

[canongrrl.livejournal.com]

you give good hug - I agree. However, the entire time reading this all I could think of was Kai biting you on the ass.

We need to have you over again. Perhaps in January? I promise K will return the hug and not bite you on the ass again.

[heatray.livejournal.com]

This! Or you guys can come to our house too! We have a fireplace and love entertaining.

But also, yes, January. December is no good for anyone. I think we're free most of the month, except for the last two weekends.

[canongrrl.livejournal.com]

we'd love to come over - let me work the schedule this week and get back to you!

[panzerkunst.livejournal.com]

I'm not always good at offering hugs but I never refuse them.

[wanderyng1.livejournal.com]

Not at all. If you have the kind of relationship with someone at work to where a hug doesn't seem inappropriate than chances are, it is not. There are some people in my office I hug and many others I do not, it just depends on the nature of the relationship - is it a friendship or just a working relationship. If it's a friendship? They get normal everyday monkey hugs.

[plankton.livejournal.com]

I don't think I'd hugged anyone at work until I left my last job which was kind of odd since I hadn't been there that long and didn't feel particularly close with any of them. Still it didn't feel weird; one was more of an "A" and one was more of an "I". In both cases I feel like they initiated more than me.

One other aspect that I find interesting is height differences in hugging. If someone is way shorter or way taller I feel like it's immediately going to be more personal. I don't know if I've ever hugged a guy significantly taller than me, and when I hug someone much shorter unless I hunch over and go into serious "A" orientation they're just going to be smooshed into my sternum which is way friendlier than heads over shoulders.

And lastly, you should be proud of your hugs. They are a-ok.

[heatray.livejournal.com]

I share your impression of hugging people shorter or taller than me. In the case that we are not super close, there is a slightly modified hug for shorter people that doesn't quite enfold them as much as I might otherwise do.

[canongrrl.livejournal.com]

there was this weird time, I actively disliked this person and I thought it was mutual. When my last day came, he was broken up that I was leaving and gave me a huge hug. It was extremely awkward and not reciprocated. Those are the worst kinds ...

I think I patted his back with one hand

[silas7.livejournal.com]

Hugs are not professional, they are personal. If you feel close to the person, you can hug them. A "professional" hug would be a hand shake.

[popetom.livejournal.com]

You would only be a hug whore if you were charging people money (or similar) for your hugs.

Giving them away freely would make you a hug slut. General opinion seems to be moving away from slutishness being a bad thing. So I say get out there and be the slutiest hug slut you can.

-PT

[cris.livejournal.com]

yes, be hug-positive. No hug shaming!

Though, with that said, I don't initiate hugs with people at work, and I personally find it a little weird to be hugged by someone during regular hours. After hours and that weird/special moment when a person is leaving the company are exceptions. When you can drop the professional veneer, and have absolute permission to just treat the person as a real, actual human being ... those are great.